husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. What the hell? When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. LOL! Its been 12 years for me. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. And that now his family isdisappointed inme. 6. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. 20 Times Nature Gave Us Something Unusual to Admire, If You Have a Sweet Tooth, These 13 Products Will Help Pave the Way to Your Heart, 10 Amazing Things for Your Home That Are Extremely Cheap Right Now, 10 Best-Selling Products Thatll Make Your Bathroom Worthy of 5 Stars, How Much or How Little the Cast of Jurassic Park Has Changed 30 Years After the Films Release, 10 Tiny Items From Amazon That Can Make a Huge Difference in Your Home, A Woman Dresses Like Celebrities to Prove Any Size Can Be Stylish, How Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen On-Screen Rivalry Lead to the Best Hollywood Bromance in Real Life, 11 Times Celebrities Undermined Traditional Upbringing Methods, 7 Amazon Deals That Can Make Your Skin Glow Without Hurting Your Wallet, Monster-in-Law / New Line Cinema and co-producers. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. Get that man into counseling, pronto. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) Vegas! If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. Not everything is an abusive relationship, AAM commentariat. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! Right!? My anxiety would destroy her ability to enjoy herself, and thats not fair of me. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that even though my feelings are real, they are not reasonable and not helpful, so its not appropriate to expect others to change their behavior to accommodate them. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! I agree with the counseling suggestion. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. The Truth About Taking Separate Vacations. She acted like she wasnt married. Exactly. I dated a guy like that! She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. We are driving 18 hours to get to my family reunion with our 2 year old and 3 month old (at the time). Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. This makes me MAD. I dont gamble much. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. I say go for it! I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. Hmm. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. A week? However, the husband is being ridiculous. The place smells like cigarette smoke. When the plans were being made hubby was not over excited but was ok with it. I think Alison handled it extremely well answering the direct AAM-style question (go on the trip for business reasons) while noting the disturbing indicators about marriage that require that kind of outside advice. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. I dont think that would help the situation, however. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. I take for granted everyone doesnt live this way. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. Your absence is the absence of any possible reward for his behaviour. (Im in counseling FWIW, he wont go.) I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. If your job is like mine, youll be standing all day training people on new products and campaigns and be totally exhausted at the end of the day. I mean, we really cant say from the letter which it is, but its so easy to read into it either anxiety or controlling/toxic depending on what weve personally experienced. Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. In Amish country. He would be excited, even. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationray florets and disc florets are present in 2022.07.03 . Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. If someone tells my son, I am a thief, or. Just in case. And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. You know, because theyd been there for the last year and had witnessed all of it and hadnt just heard his side of the story through his rose-tinted glasses. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. I went to Vegas last year and didnt do anything Vegas-y, other than see one show. Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. I actually disagree. They may not all work for you, but I hope that at least some will be helpful. So thank you for the comments. and getting an emergency beacon. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. Not everything is family friendly (I.E. I cant imagine getting upset because he went on a business trip. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. Me: Um, what now? This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. Even the others theyre married to. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. At work? I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. Haha! Doesnt really matter. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. 8 1 11 1. Agreed. I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. Don't exhaust yourselves. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. Would he demand she quit? The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. Giving the husband the most benefit of the doubt possible, its possible he rants and raves and his friends all go hmm, interesting. Not seeing any benefit in engaging someone whos clearly nuts on the subject. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. Casinos are some of the most secure and highly monitored public places you can go. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. Yes its a confusing sentence but I believe the OP comments elsewhere that she wrote what she meant, the people her husband polled WOULD allow their significant others to go. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Whats wrong with disembark? Same. Right. Sure, that could be the problem. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Im still trying to figure a way out of it, but I wish I hadnt given in to his demands in the first place. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. When I was in grad school my mom once had a fit that I was walking home from class at around 4:45 pm on a random Tuesday evening. Nothing to do with trust, we just wouldnt want Vegas tarnished by work! My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. M.M. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. This seems to be a common pattern, though of course not a certainty. My husband was very upset. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. Its a very highly policed city. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). For the OP, this is a marriage problem. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. Or leave? My SO has been to more conferences in Vegas than I think anywhere else because of the ease with which hotel rooms can be acquired. We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. Those were a big hit. Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. The weather sucks in Vegas. (And hes questioning the motives of the company in having the trip in the first place? Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Okay. There is so much good food in Vegas, I love it there. Leave your phone on silent. We arent gamblers either. Out alone after dark = commuting to a job that has normal office hours. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. I bet youll have fun. I didnt hear that there were kids. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. Not because I felt unsafe (though I kind of did, but I could remind myself that was because of CSI and not because of logic) but mostly because it was also not clean enough for my standards and the savings werent worth it the amount of time I spent trying to get places. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! ), I also watched CSI for a lot of years, and on one of my trips to Vegas I stayed off-strip in a cheap hotel because I was trying to save money. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. Good for you,OP, for asking how to deal with a difficult situation. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. You deserveit! THANK you. If I got raped on travel, Id still be the same person when I came home; its an injury and itd make some things inconvenient, its unpleasant to think about, Id need to get STD tests before we were intimate again, and Id need some hugs from him once I got home, but getting raped is not the end of the world.

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